What’s good for the goose, the gander may choke…

Being a tad more liberal-minded than my extended family, doesn’t bode well in the land of urbania. Catch, convert, capitulate…the heathen….she that escaped suburbia! The random email assault pelts my overstuffed inbox. The latest a forward originating from my far-right “Aunt Bunky,” department of justice extraordinaire, passed on to Grammy before slithering uninvited through my personal electronic box. I’ve got mail. She’s learned though…Grammy that is…discovering how send to “undisclosed-recipients” will prevent my disparate opinion from reaching her country-club-clan. What can I say? It was an election year and they started it. I simply made use of “reply all,” lobbing the antagonist viewpoint to their campaign right back in their court. Truthfully, it was mostly for shits and giggles, to spark healthy debate. “Oy vey!” Grammy didn’t partake in the giggle part…it was shits all around. Branding me the wayward lefty, promptly becoming family non-grata, from a political perspective.

—–Original Message—–From: Grammy: Sat, 25 Apr 2009 12:13 pm

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM. OUTSTANDING.
DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NR A and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security. We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.

You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and over sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

_________________________________________________________

DIVORCE AGREEMENT – Amended Version

Dear righty’s, antiquated regressives, advocates of the dark ages, war mongers, fascists et al:

In response to your divorce agreement, we’ll agree with the following amendments. Yes, we have stuck together for far too long, putting up with your narrow minded, self-serving ways and chaotic decisions for much longer than we should have. Your desperate adjustments over the last eight years, seemingly driven by special interests and greed are more than we can handle. It became evident in the last election process, when you had trouble clearly branding yourself and even more difficulty identifying with our newest population of voters. In a word, your antiquated and we are far too different to remain united.

Here is an Amended model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. Basing the division on the electoral state each party won should make that relatively easy. We understand you don’t like redistributive taxes, however you find so many ways to hide behind corporate tax loopholes, were not sure why. We do wonder how you feel about public education? We agree to keeping the liberal judges and the ACLU. We’ve decided to hang onto women’s suffrage as well. Since we’re not crazy about guns and war, please take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll be glad to keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell, since we do welcome those that voice controversial opinions, as we tend not to follow the flock. Along with the OMR trio we choose Oliver Stone, Sean Penn and Robert Redford and all those that give without attending a plated-dinner black tie event. We demand you take the Royal Family of the country of Texas (we’ll throw in Texas too…in exchange for California and Florida), officers Koon, Powell, Briseno, and Wind (ask Rodney King), Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold of the Columbine massacre.

You may have all the uncontrolled capitalism your little heart’s desire, the greedy corporations including Enron, Haliburton, AIG, GM, & Ford and their respective CEO’s. Please take Big Oil, Big Pharmaceutical and the failed Wall Street fat-cats looking for handouts to supplement their overzealous company spending, unfettered expense accounts and bankruptcy bonuses. We’ll take open-market and free-market economics along with Microsoft/Bill Gates, Apple/Steve Jobs, Berkshire Hathaway/Warren Buffet. Take Wal-Mart & the Waltons, we’ll take Target, Ross, Marshalls & TJ Maxx. You can have Wall Street…we’ll take the Internet. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll send the homeless and the homeboys to Area 52. The hippies to Camp David and the aliens to states that border Texas. And since your taking the military we’ll put those funds towards patrolling the borders of California & Florida and the borders of the states that border Texas. Oh Gee…you got us…it’s going to be oh so tough giving up Greedy CEO’s and Rednecks, but as long as you’re asking, by all means. In all fairness, we’ll throw in the KKK too. We’ll trade Hot Alaskan Hockey Moms for Victoria’s Secret (we like our miracle bras) and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models. As far as the Bibles go, you only get the Old Testament for NBC & Hollywood. If you want the New Testament too we’re going to need ABC, CBS, FOX (except the News), Broadway & Bollywood.

We’ll make nice with Iran and Palestine if we feel like it, seeing as invading and hammering places that threaten us doesn’t get us very far. Seeing as you still believe the mumbo jumbo about our way of life being under assault keeping the aforementioned right is at your expense. Since you would you like to keep your Judeo-Christian values we were wondering if you would you like a few more Crusades to top them off with? We’re not really into the whole organized religion thing, however remaining open-minded, we’ll take Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain (after all she is selling jewelry these days). We’ll take the U.N., we’d rather deal with that expense than the headache and expense of war.

By all means, do us all a favor keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and over sized luxury cars…while you’re at it you can keep the high gas prices too.

Go ahead, continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. We sure as hell hope your Greedy CEO doesn’t find someone half your age to do two times your workload, leaving you struggling to find an insurance company that will accept you. And if they do accept you, we certainly hope you feel the crunch to your wallet when you realize it costs the equivalent of a small mortgage payment every month. Take The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. We happen to like Imagine and John Lennon along with the Beatles & Bob Dylan, Jerry Garcia, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Bob Marley, Jim Morrison, Ravi Shankar, James Taylor, Jackson Browne. By the Way…Charles Manson is all yours.

Of course you want to keep practicing trickle-down (er voodoo) economics, however it hasn’t “trickled-down” in the 50 years it has been in practice, stimulated the economy or grown anything but the size of the deficit. But that was your intent, wasn’t it? And by now we’ve come to realize that no matter what actually happens in history you’ll creatively mold it to fit your idealistic and historical opinions?

So if you would agree to our amendments, please pass it along to other like-minded liberals and conservatives. And by the way which ANWAR are you referring to? The 2007 Hindi Movie or the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve?

P.S. Absolutely. We’ll take our ‘Funny Girl’ and with Fonda comes Turner. You can keep Barbara Bush and J. Edgar Hoover…we’ll throw in Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity too.